Boston implemented new regulations Monday adding additional fees for marriages conducted by municipal employees at City Hall. Co-opting city sanitation workers for wedding bands continues to be frowned upon. MINUS 1
Residents of Middleborough voted in favor of a $20 public swearing fine last week. According to one opponent of the motion, the fine is “a dumb pile of stupid poop-crap doody.” MINUS 1
Researchers at MIT have developed improvements to standard sonogram equipment. The team hopes sharper ultrasounds will help in all fiel—wait, that’s what the baby looks like?! Gah. That’s some Omen shit right there. PLUS 2
Barack Obama’s Harvard professor, Roberto Unger, has come out against his former student’s reelection bid. A carefully worded White House rebuttal aimed to discredit the professor as a “dickwad teach’ who smells like bonerz.” MINUS 2
Bear numbers are on the rise in the state. Officials say that the creatures are likely searching for food in advance of a mid-July mating season, adding that “New Hampshire doesn’t have a monopoly on bear invasions, you know.” EVEN
A New Hampshire woman was saved by her eight-year-old pet Husky-Labrador, Kai, from a mother bear which attacked her on the porch of her Grafton home. Yeah, how ya like them apples, Bean #5? Them bear-apples. MINUS 3
THIS WEEK’S TOTAL: MINUS 5